hello
I'm not surprised you are feeling stressed. You are going through 2 if not 3 of life's biggest challenges.
Keep breathing and sometimes for me having a mantra going round in my head helps, it could be something like:
I love and approve of myself
or
Everything that is happening in my life right now will lead me to a brighter future
Best of luck today
Hope you've had a good day with Luke.
I do think that Arwen needs to be spending time with you - even if its a case of waiting until she wakes up.
How far away do you reckon it could be to the coast? It's something that you could ask CAB about, maybe.
Sy, I'm so, so sorry about your step-father.
Sending so much warm hugs your way for you and your mum.
I'm sure Nanny will be happy to see Luke, and sadly, loss is something that Luke is going to see.
I hope you had some fun with Arwen too this afternoon. Louise does need to be reminded that Arwen is old enough to stay overnight.
It's good that Luke can talk to you. That's so important.
Hello sy
First my deepest sympathies about your step dad, I am glad you managed to make a real connection with him this week. Your Mum will really appreciate your support.
I agree with sparkling, Arwen needs to see you...and I am glad you have at least some time with her
Take care
She clearly has no respect for you, and I do know how that feels.
If you can, get your own car seats for your car. There's absolutely no reason whey they could not have left you alone with Arwen. It saves so much hassle faffing around with car seats.
I can understand you being very upset, especially with the loss of your step-father. Your children however, do need to be thought about at each point, and anger needs to be kept in check until you are out of sight.
Time to decide what contact you want Sy, as you need time alone with your children. Write it down and give this to her. If she doesn't agree, then you need to take the matter to Court while there is no set pattern established away from you.
Write it all down with the times. Also, make a note that your step-dad died, which in itself has been such a heartbreaking loss.
Still thinking of you and your mum. You really do have so much to deal with at the mo.
Loads of hugs.
You need to specify the contact you would like to have - a starting point.
You could ask Friday from school to Sunday tea time every other weekend and maybe a Friday from school to Saturday tea time the following.
Or every other weekend and them at yours for tea an evening a week?
Two weeks together summer holidays and one week at Easter and Christmas (one thing about Christmas and birthdays, is that it doesn't matter if they're not celebrated on the actual day - children are quite happy to have two celebrations).
Father's day - have them over for the day.
The visits can't end too late, as the children are young.
You can add that she brings the children to you and you take them home.
Be strong when it comes to Arwen - she's not too young to be away from her mum.
These are only suggestions Sy, as you need to start somewhere. Also, it wouldn't be set in stone with an amicable agreement.
You need to be sorting out maintenance too.
I'm so sorry that this is all happening at such a sad time for your family. It's understandable that your mum is angry.
I know my ex laughed at me Let them and remember that you are more mature and better than they are.
Dearest sy
What a weekend you have had, I go away for a couple of days and you have had some Major traumas, how are you today?
I hope that your step dad had a peaceful death and that you find some comfort in knowing that you did connect with him and you were there for him and your mum. When someone passes, you can be taken by surprise at the the emotions felt, you may be experiencing all kinds of emotions that you haven't expressed before. Be kind to yourself.
I am so glad that you and Luke had some quality time together, it sounds like it was much needed for both of you. It is great that he was able to talk openly and honestly with you, thats a great quality in a kid. You can understand him wanting to see you 'up' and I think as we have said before, small steps, you don't want him to hit his teen years thinking his dad is depressed, so having a few laughs about the moth was brilliant, it will get easier.
Glad you got to see Arwen too, even though it was supervised (albeit by a couple of lovesick middle-aged teenagers). How humiliating for you, I don't know what they were up to, but you must not take it personally, they were being immature and thoughtless (and actually very rude).
I notice you had a middle of the night moment, thinking that they were laughing at you, don't believe it, they are feeling insecure, that is why they were behaving like that.
Blimey that was long! Probably catch you on some other posts, I hope the sun is shining where you are (or trying to) and you can be comforted in knowing that both your children love you very much as does your mum and so did your step dad.
Hey, you can't be that bad!!!
Hello Sy
Sounds like yesterday was a culmination of all the sad/angry/hurt/shocked/anxious feelings you have had these past weeks...and probably made worse by your step-dad's, death, especially as you have been thinking about the nature of fatherhood and what it means to you :(
Sparkling has made a very practical list of suggestions and she's right, you need some structure on this. You also need to find a way not to show so much anger in front of the kids, they're so little and it may frighten Arwen, whereas Luke may feel he has to look after you....but you do need to find an outlet for your feelings, you can't bottle it all up.
I was shocked at the way you described Louise and Paul's behaviour yesterday, the word "cruel" springs to mind.
You say you want your love to die; it will, in the end, it is the hurt you are feeling that is impeding that at the moment. As for what you felt "break" when you walked away, that was total self-preservation, as your emotions were on such overload.
Take care today. Try and get out on your bike to clear your head a bit
Remember to be kind to you.
Don't add the pressure of getting the house on the market. Do what you can.
You have so much grief to deal with at the moment too. And you need to support your mum.
Should Louise find the site, I don't think you need to worry. I think all that has been said has been fair and practical, and no way offensive.
You need support, and sometimes receiving it from people you've never met, but who do understand some of what you are going through can help. I know it did with me.
I hope you do get out on your bike.
Each day will get a little better - just you don't realise it until one day you look back and see how far you've come.
Hi sadsy
You really are getting a kick in the teeth at the moment, to hear from the school that the children were unsettled after the weekend, that is why they are not in school, must be most upsetting and very unfairly played.
I hope you are keeping a record of all of this, it is REALLY important, as if it goes to Court, a log would be so useful.
You mention £750 maintenance for two months, go to http://www.cmoptions.org/, there is a calculator that will tell you how much Louise would be entitled to, £750 seems an awful lot and although you may want to be seen as compromising, I doubt it would go recognised.
Bless your mum. It must have been very important to them both that he was home. The hospice at home care now can be so wonderful.
I'm sorry about Daisy. How devastating for you both.
Do you think Luke would like to write a card out for his granddad? Arwen could add her name.
Remember your children love you sy. Arwen running towards you is so lovely, as was Luke talking to you so openly on Saturday.
Shop for some food for you tomorrow. You need energy for all of this.
Good idea checking with royal mail. I don't believe she would be allowed to re-direct anything but post addressed to her.
Do you think if you had a 'proper' bed that you might rest more comfortably?
Arwen could well be having a slight regression with what has gone on. Children seem to be surprisingly resiliant though.
It seems your mum has a lot to deal with besides Alan's death. I hope she won't rush into anything - unless she and Alan had been sorting before - as sometimes it's easier to do these things with a clear head.
Sadly, for Luke, it will be a learning curve knowing that somethings go on in your home and not his 'other' home. It's very early days. You could try explaining how much fun you have playing it with him.
Hopefully Arwen will be with you this weekend. You can chat positively about that - it should be via Louise, but if she won't speak...
As has been said, write all things down as factually as you can.
Morning sy
Hope today brings some positive things for you. Seeing your counsellor should help. Grasp the nettle and phone your solicitor.
Don't worry about Arwen sounding babyish, sparkling is right, it is normal for her to "regress" to being younger, to help her cope.
BTW I am sure your Mum appreciates all you are doing for her right now
Take care
Morning sadsy, great idea from sparklinglime, get a bed!!
I know you are trying not to take sleeping tablets, but maybe it would be worth it, for just a few more days, until you are feeling a little stronger, I think you said to someone else on the board, that you need your sleep to keep your health up.
You may find that Luke won't want to say that he is having fun to you as he won't want you to feel left out or unhappy. I always try and presume that they have a great time, because they should, they are children after all!
It is very curious that they are not in school, I do hope that they return tomorrow.
I meant to say the other day, a point to note, at the weekend, when you left the park. I think it was good that you recognised your emotions and left when you did, it was painful for you and you were feeling angry. You said that you had told the children that you were leaving shortly, however, (this is not a dig), it IS important that you say a proper goodbye and tell them when you next expect to see them. So that they feel secure in their relationship with you. I am sure that you would have done in another situation and you needed to do what you did, but I just wanted to reiterate that.
I hope your days goes well and your counselling session is enlightening, take care of you. :)
ooooh,
sparklinglime, your x-ray?
any progress? I guess pain is similar, ligaments take a while.
Hope you sleeping ok with it.
sy
Still waiting.
I'll chase them tomorrow, as I don't think I'm playing taxi to anyone!
I don't sleep too well anyway, but with a pillow under my knee, never mind the locking leg, its been warm! I remember reading somewhere that if you freeze 2l bottles of water and stick them in front of a fan, the air it blows at you is cool. I've tried it in the past, and it did help. Just no room, for the 2l bottles where the fan is...
Stick the bed outside in the fresh air. Is it wood? Then stain it a different colour. I know a new bed can be expensive.
Representing yourself can be done. I guess that's where facts and leaving emotional bits out comes into play.
I'm glad your mum will be ok with regards to the house. I often feel I pry - but you can ignore those bits. ;)
Too warm to think today. I'll be going to Criccieth later for a housing association meeting. My neighbour and I or on the forum. Thank goodness for air conditioning. Will have to take ibuprofen with me incase the knee gives up on the way home!
I'm hoping the ice cream palour will be open - Cadwaladrs. Absolutley devine.
I hope you have food, and even if you have an ommlette followed by a banana, do have something.
Or my favourite - cornflakes with banana. Yum! I might have that for tea tomorrow!!
I live on Anglesey, but had a meeting at Criccieth.
The views were stunning, as the hotel the meeting was in was by the castle, so you looked down to the sea. Coming home, some parts of the route you look down towards Anglesey, across to Holyhead Mountain.
Absolutely beautiful. I should have thought about taking a camera.
Didn't have an ice cream, simply as I didn't have the guts to walk down the hill to the shop - down the hill would have been ok, but walking up, I just couldn't have done it - nor could my neighbour. It wouldn't have done me any good anyway!! :D
My pensioner neighbour was nodding off before we got home, but it's a 40 minute trip. It was a meeting with the housing association.
Omlette
Heat up a small amount of oil in a non-stick pan. Crack two or three eggs into a reasonable size bowl and add salt and pepper (some add milk). Beat the living daylights out of it (very liberating) and tip into the pan when its hot. Pull the edges of the egg as it cooks to the middle of the pan, so the runny egg can fill the gaps to cook. Then use a spatula thing to flip it over. You can add all sorts into it. Done in five minutes...
http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/Legal+Advice/Child+law/Residence/
Was looking through links on the home page of this site. I'm sure Anna or Louise would have already given this to you...
I've not been through the Court system, so I can't suggest anything really. I do think you would need to be there, but it's a small setting, I believe. You would have your facts and reasons before you to refer to.
You just might have some more guidance from that.
I know you have so much to do after Alan's death (I remember running my mum around when I was overdue with my first baby), yet I feel if you can, do jot a few notes down...
Feel a bit embarrassed - not lived on my own before. I usually heat things up in plastic boxes.
I left home when I was 16 and lived on my own in an old farm house, I survived on Pot Noodles until a friends mother showed me how to make Gypsy Toast* : )
*French toast or Egg Bread, basically bread dipped in a beaten egg and then fried, I'm pretty sure it's not the most healthy of foods to eat for breakfast dinner and tea, but it is nice and you can cut it into funny shapes for the kids, I do baby aliens which happily can be any shape you want them to be : )
hello sadsy
How are you this morning? Did you get on Ok at the counsellor? Don't worry too much about whether he is gay or fancies you, counsellors are trained NOT to get involved with their clients that way, plus if in this really difficult stage of your life, you are receiving kindness from him, it is easy for you to think of this as "something else", rather than respect and caring. :)
Did your stepdad's mum accept the idea of a humanist service? I have been to a couple of these and they have been wonderful, and so full of love.
re court, the court room won't be like you see on telly, it is like a big headmaster's study type of room and not too scary. You could look up your Family mediation Service at http://www.nfm.org.uk/index.php?page=Local Offices then write to Louise suggesting it and if she says no then there is your answer on the form as to why not.
great ideas re getting some food sorted, guys :D
Take care, Sy
Louise
Sparkling
I am glad you managed a trip out, even if it was to a meeting! Hope the Xray appointment comes through soon, keep us posted :D
Hello sy
I think it's a bit worrying that the children are not in school, did they give you any reason? I am glad you are keeping tabs on that situation. Hope the day goes as well as it can
Hi sadsy
I have just popped onto the boards, you have been SO busy since yesterday morning! Good for you! Your posts are really sounding a lot more in control (I know you are feeling very out of control at the moment, but I mean that you are being proactive and thats really healthy for you).
First of all well done for sending off for that info and making those calls, and seeing the counsellor and getting some stuff for the funeral. I agree it would be good to find out what is happening re the school trip.
Do you know something? Part of the long journey through grief is "trying out different things". For me it was buying a large picture I liked and defiantly putting it on the lounge wall. For you, it is buying some boho accessories. Good for you! 8-)
Hi Anna,
thank you for your message. They are a lifeline to me at the moment.
I can check with mum about music. I try and go round when there is a gap in carers/nurses so she not on own too long.
Although I have kids coming at 4 which i have to back here for - time is short.
All I can see is he seems to be able to slightly raise eyebrow a little. I want to tell him I love him, but it hurts to even think it. I must try today, but when? Breathe...
He not drinking and no IV, so just a little time left.
feel quite stressed - even with anti - d's.
hug
sy