hello

Louise

Parenting specialist

Well done on the meeting Sparkling. You are NOT a silly billy! Good for you, making them stay, when they don't read the letters! Anyway at last it is the summer hols. My boy is very tired with his work experience but glad to be off after today. At least bedtimes don't have to be so rigorous for a few weeks. He is very good at going early on school nights though (gets tired as he has shot up to 6 foot 1 almost overnight). Glad your back is at least a bit easier, keeping it gently mobile may be helpful? That's not easy when you're in pain. If it were me, I would tend to want to huddle up. Does a hot water bottle help?

Sy I think visualising anxiety as a slimy monster is a helpful technique because then it is something tangible that can be tackled. I don't know if you remember there are some "giving up smoking" ads like that, which give a visual representation of nicotine craving. You list of DIY does sound rather ambitious. Could you make a start with just ONE? ;)

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 10:36am

sparklinglime

sadsy wrote:

Oh my,
just got rebuffed by social services lady in Romford. She say she not wish to appear abrupt, then went on to be abrupt.

I just better get on with forms then.

Your children are fab for helping out Sparkling.

Think I need to put loud music on now.

The Killers - I reccomend Mr Brightside or Human. Always works for me...

As least you know that it's not an issue that they'll deal with now, and that you did do what you felt was needed.

I think all these things matter should the children ever question things when they grow up. You can show how hard you worked at getting things to work....

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 10:37am

sparklinglime

Paulasgems wrote:

I had a tough day today & the last couple of nights. yestreday & today I have been going through the house cleaning & de-junking. And today I packed up Paul's clothes, coat & shoes & stuff, it was so so hard!! I have kept the top, it sits on his pillow & I sleep with it at night.

I keep thinking I should have made more of an effort with our struggling marriage, I was planning to but it never came because there was always a crisis of some sort & I was often struggling with his mood due to his depression. He was a person who's cup was always half empty & I am a person who's cup is always half full. This is a good way of explaining him, so why I was always able to wait for things in life, to know that things will be ok eventually & work out. He was always looking at what he did not have, what had gone wrong, & thinking nothing would ever get any better. Although he tried to help himself & did on quite a few occasions, but I think our life, kids etc was always just to much for him. I surpose he has now helped himself by walking away. :cry: Oh well I will plod on filling my cup along the way I surpose :roll:
Paula

You've done well Paula.

I do feel it takes two to sort things out, so don't feel bad. I'm quite sure you did all you could.
I still go over things in my head, though, so really can't say much! Just in time you get to the point that you accept how things are.
With my ex, I just think he liked the status. I don't think he actually ever played the role of being a husband or father. He could still choose to be a father, but doesn't. Hopefully though he's now a good husband to his wife. Poor woman 8-) :roll: :lol:

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 10:44am

sparklinglime

Hi Louise

I'm glad he had a good week. I'm so looking forward to the six weeks - but know it will fly by.

Isn't if funny when you're children are taller than you?!! My 13 year old is almost as tall as his 17 year old brother. I think my daughter has possibly stopped growing at being a couple of inches shorter than me!

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 10:49am

sadsy

Sparkling,
you do have fantastic children! They are fantastic because of you.

I know your back is still painful, but as it is slightly better today it sounds like a small muscle tear. It'll be gone in a few days. Take care with it.

Backs are very debilitating. I remember trying to ride Rose (my lovely grumpy horse) in bareback lesson and falling onto the concrete-hard frozen sand, bottom first. It hurt so much I couldn't speak for 3 mins. Now I have to watch myself and build my core muscle up to protect myself. As back went again 2 weeks later when I tried to brush the wee off her tummy (well someone has to do it).

I guessed that the scouts/cubs thing was a communication issue.

I think, although I can't get the children to Louise' mum and dad this weekend, I might call Louise' mum to say I will try at the next opportunity, for a short while, if they are happy for me to do so. Not sure if Louise is in contact with her mum or not.

You are very good to keep contact with Git's mum and dad - that helps the children too, I'm sure.

I feel a snooze coming on me, where is my energy?

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 10:50am

sadsy

Louise,
I have to laugh at myself with the DIY list.

I just fell asleep on the sofa instead. I'm not cross with myself today about it, which is better.

There's something I've not mentioned, is troubling me... Luke seems really unhappy on the phone since Wednesday night. Now he has phoned me (Louise must have dialled for him) this morning. His book hasn't arrived, and I'm cross with myself for not choosing dearer postage option from amazon. His relationship with Louise seems poor, he doesn't trust her. He thinks she is at the door listening with a glass, this must have happened, as how else would he know about this kind of thing? There is a hint from him that he would like to run away. And have me collect him. I have got him a whole bag of jellybelly beans, they are always fun to guess the flavours.

I need to do him a phone slip with my numbers on so he can dial himself, also how to do reverse charge call for emergencies (I don't know how to do this either). I'll try and google it.

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 1:00pm

sadsy

Quote:

Sy I think visualising anxiety as a slimy monster is a helpful technique because then it is something tangible that can be tackled.

This is how I see my anxiety, from my favourite book when I was Luke's age:

Quote:

"Don't be afraid", he said smiling. "I'll call a womans spirit. You need not fear a woman. Elferran I will call.
"She dies a thousand years ago and her bones are far beneath the sea, maybe there never was such a woman."

"Watch the air between my hands."
I a great slow gesture he stretched out his arms, the gesture of welcome that opens an invocation. He began to speak. He had read the Spell of Summoning in the dark 2 years ago. In the darkness he read them again as if the page was open before him. But know he understood what he read.

The other boys watched, not speaking, for the great spell was beginning to work. Suddenly the wind rose roaring in the grass. Ged cried aloud and dropped to his knees. He fell forward as if to embrace the earth with his outstretched arms, and when he rose he held something dark in his straining hands and arms, something so heavy that he shook with effort getting to his feet. The hot wind whined in the black tossing grasses on the hill. If the stars shone now none saw them.
The words of the enchantment hissed and mumbled on his lips, and he cried aloud 'Elferran". Again he cried the name "Elfarran!" And the third time, "Elferran!"
The shapeless mass of darkness had split apart. It sundered, and pale spindle of light gleamed between his open arms, a faint oval reaching from the ground up to the height of his raised hands. In the oval of light for a moment there moved a form, a human shape: a tall woman looking back over her shoulder. Her face was beautiful, and sorrowful, and full of fear.
Only for a moment did the spirit glimmer there. Then the sallow oval between Ged's arms grew bright. It widened and spread, a rent in the darkness of the earth, a ripping open of the fabric of the world. Through it blazed a terrible brightness. And through the bright mishapen breach clambered something like a clot of black shadow, quick and hideous, and it leaped straight out at Ged's face.
Staggering back under the weight of the thing, Ged gave a short, hoarse scream. Ged fell, struggling and writhing. His friend ran forward only he saw the lump of shadow that clung to Ged, tearing at his flesh. It was like a black beast, the size of a young child, though it seemed to swell and shrink; and it had no head or face, only the four taloned paws with which it gripped and tore.

Sorry for the long post, very self indulgent. That is my picture of my anxiety monster.

It features a few times in the story, bit different in form each time.

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 1:25pm

IfYouSeeHer

sparklinglime wrote:

sadsy wrote:

Oh my,
just got rebuffed by social services lady in Romford. She say she not wish to appear abrupt, then went on to be abrupt.

I just better get on with forms then.

Your children are fab for helping out Sparkling.

Think I need to put loud music on now.

The Killers - I reccomend Mr Brightside or Human. Always works for me...

I found the one song that helps me get him up in the morning. Its by Jason Mraz and it's called Details in the Fabric. The first time I heard it it made me cry. The lyrics are here. If you read them you'll understand why it helps. =D

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 2:49pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hallo all,

Great trainers sadsy, good choice! I like!

Paulagems, you did have a tough day and night, great about doing all that clearing, sorry to hear you questioning yourself. I look forward to the day when you have a ceremonial burning of that shirt! It could be a release for you. You maybe could be holding onto the dream, the half full cup, but you did EVERYTHING you could, it sounds a bit like you lost him a long time ago, feel blue about a dream not being fulfilled is normal, he let you down.

IfYouSeeHer, thanks for those song words, my colleague, just had a blow and was feeling a bit shakey and I just read them to her and she said thanks too!

Sparkling, you are sounding your usual sparkly self, how lovely to hear it, now the AGM is over its as if a weight has lifted.

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 3:35pm

sadsy

Wow ifyouseeher,
lyrics are cool. I will look up song on itunes. Thank you for sharing!
Hope your arm is not aching now. Anything to see on decoration...?

Paulasgems
I'm not as brave as Anna to say first, but now she has mentioned it, when you are ready – The Ceremonial Burning of the Shirt – would be a big, forward-looking moment for you. Only when you are ready though. It's still very early and you need to heal more. Hope the doctor helped today. Please post, for some reason I do worry for you, especially late night. I'll check tonight up till 12, you can post about anything, recipes, ants and plants, cost of fuel, internet schooling, anything at all. I agree with Anna, you have done everything humanly possible in that tough relationship. Look after yourself now, so children feel secure.

Sparkling
The Killers - Mr Brightside - you have very modern taste in music, will look on itunes see how much it is. Is this one your children sing with you?

Anna
Thank you for noticing my trainers, I waited 11 years for them. And thank you again for your kind post, no one ever said I was a great guy before, ever. Am still beaming inside from it.

Louise not allowing Luke to be collected tonight, he'll be disappointed. Will collect him tomorrow at 10am. His surprise book hasn't come, sorry Luke. There's hint that I may see Arwen Sunday for a few hours! Not just 30 mins! Nanny coming to help too!

still beaming

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 4:29pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Oh Sy that would be fab to have both children for a while :) Don't worry about the post thing, it can take up to a week for 2nd class....

IfYou See Her, wow I hadn't heard of that one before. My youngest is very sarcastic about my supposed taste in music and if I sing a chart song he looks at me as if I am from another planet and says "how do YOU know that?

Paulasgems Hope you are Ok today and will get a better night

Sparkling thanks for you words of wisdom on the marriage v co-habitation thread. I haven't replied on there as I want to give others a chance to join in first. yes you're right it is weird that my children are both bigger than me! Makes telling them off harder!

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 5:57pm

sadsy

you know,
there's something especially cruel about having to have repeated contact with someone that has hurt you so much and is blissfully happy with someone else.

Louise is laughing with her new guy in background of Luke's call. Each delighted laugh is like a dagger in my chest.

I thought I was over her this week. Wish I could have a drink :(

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 8:15pm

IfYouSeeHer

sadsy wrote:

you know,
there's something especially cruel about having to have repeated contact with someone that has hurt you so much and is blissfully happy with someone else.

Louise is laughing with her new guy in background of Luke's call. Each delighted laugh is like a dagger in my chest.

I thought I was over her this week. Wish I could have a drink :(

It WILL get better you know, you won't just get over her just like that, it's not as easy as that (believe me, I wish it was, part of me wanted to run straight back to my ex when I got that phonecall and nurse him better.) Best not to think about drinking, especially with those antidepressants. We don't want you coming to any harm. Maybe listen to some uplifting music, watch a film? Just try and preoccupy yourself and one day you'll realise that it doesnt hurt so much anymore.

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 9:13pm

sadsy

ifyouseeher,
thank you so much.

You've really helped me tonight, I'm going to put a movie on.

Hope you are OK too.

love

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 9:36pm

Pansy

ifyouseeher
I havn't looked up those lyrics yet, but I will after I have posted. I am aware I must hurry to stop Sy worrying. I dont want him to stay awake waiting to see if I'm ok tonight.

thanks to all of you for your continued support, it means such alot you are all such a suppot to me.
I'm afraid today it all just got worst & I feel back to square one. The kids all wanted to text their Dad & so he texted back which was fine. I then thought I would text him & ask if he knows what his plans are. The answer was that he would come & see us all in 3 to 4 wks time when he has enough money & then he would be going back to Scotland. He also said that when he come we will talk about the kids coming to see him in Scotland!!!!! :shock: I could not believe he was thinking this, has he no empathy at all? has he not put himself in my shoes to think how I & kids must feel? does he expect his children to go & meet this other woman? is he that desperate NOT to have to see me again? because 3 kids fares to scotland including his to come to Bristol to meet & travel up with them, rather than just his fare to come here! he must really not want to see me!
He said of course he still want to be friends & be there for them.
Oh I am in bits again :cry: & then in 3-4 wks when I see him, I will be back at square one again! I know it is all part of it.
He sounds like he happy in Scotland. I still cant believe it all.

I didn't get round to making Dr appointment, I will on Monday, I think I will have to!
well at least kids are texting him now, although they texted him first! he probably to scared to make the move.
He tell our 9yr old Luca that he sending phone in post on Monday with credit on so that he can text him. the girls already have phones.
Anyhow he did say, when I texted back to say that they & I didn't want them to go there & stay, that fine he would come here when he could. I am dreading meeting up with him in afew weeks, I hope I'm stronger then!

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 9:52pm

Pansy

sadsy wrote:

you know,
there's something especially cruel about having to have repeated contact with someone that has hurt you so much and is blissfully happy with someone else.

]
I have so much empathy Sy!
yes there is. To hear the words ' I love it hear in Scotland' & when I asked him the other week 'do you love her' there was a big pause & then 'well I do really like her yes'. that was the only time I'd actually spoken to him & only because I had insisted I needed answers. I didn't get far though.

It must be so hard to hear that in the background Sy. You are doing well you know, well done for the forms too. You are a very caring person with great empathy.
There has to be a better life waiting for us Sy, although we cant see it now.
How did you get on at the Dr's today?
hope you sleep well tonight.
Paula

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 10:26pm

sadsy

Oh Paulasgems,
I wondered when he would be back in your life. You don't have to agree to anything. You can communicate any way you wish, you don't have to talk or meet him. You can use an intermediary, or text. You don't have to agree to the children going to scotland. He sounds very guilty, and such is his avoidance of you.

You are not at square 1, you are independent now.

You have 3 weeks to decide what, when, where and how the contact occurs. Why not bring a friend or relative to contact, avoid any unpleasantness, and you get a witness too. Also, others have experience of contact and might be able to advise.

Sorry to be so stern, I knew I needed to look out for you tonight!

Steady, it's a shock for you, I know you can handle it, we will all help you!

Big huug for you Paulasgems

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 11:07pm

sadsy

Oh yes doctors,
she declined me a bulk load of anti'Ds - lol

She not want me on sleeping tablets much longer.

I get blood test end next week again, something to do with kidneys. Good job needles not worry me. Gaawd, it really spurts into tube doesn't it?

I go back to work on Tuesday, will feel a bit embarrassed. I've used up a whole years worth of sick days. I can't be sick for 12 months now.

Will check again at 12 for you Paulasgems, see if you ok.

Just going to drag my bedding down for my cushion bed on floor.

Hug

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 11:14pm

Pansy

I 'm ok Sy, you go to bed. Why do you sleep on floor?
I didn't think Dr would give you any more sleeping tablets, that why I suggested the other things. Did you ask about them?
I don't think we will need someone to mediate, he would not make them go if they not happy & I know he will try & see them when he can & do all he can because he is just not a bad person. But he is very wrapped up in his self & unable to empathise (probably spelt wrong, v tired now) with how I feel. thank you for looking out for me tonight :) you have good night sleep & have nice time with Luke tomorrow, you are seeing him aren't you?
sweet dreams. I am sado watching wife swap before I go to bed. ha!

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 11:27pm

sadsy

hehe, wifeswap!
oh, doctors, sorry i forgot all about the ones you mentioned! My memory is not so great. I do apologise I only remember 50% of what I need to.

Thank you Paulasgems, yes, 5hrs driving tomorrow, and I get to meet the happy couple too :(
Luke be pleased to get a break, he really stressed this week. Looking forward to seeing him, hope he have a good time.

You are fab, believe in yourself, things will seem steadier in the morning. Plus sensible people online in morning then rather than me, lol.
Hope you are OK.

Night night

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 11:42pm

Pansy

5 hrs!!! :o why so far? you tell me another time now. Go to bed Sy! you need to be fresh & awake for tomorrow. Have nice time with son & stay strong!
night, night.
Paula

Posted on: July 17, 2009 - 11:49pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Good morning!

Sy I hope you got some sleep. The doctor is bound to be reluctant to give you too many pills at once. Do get a prepay certificate like I said :) I know you have a long drive each way today, take care.

Re the "happy couple" syndrome, I am sorry but my feeling is that it is being done on purpose. When my boys are on the phone to, say, their paternal grandparents I either respect them enough to give them privacy or, if they are in the same room as me (as Louise must be with Luke), then I try to stay quiet not to disturb the call. I would only be doing the "repeated laughing in the background" if I wanted to make a point to someone. So, if you can see it as a deliberate attempt to wound you (nobody laughs THAT much!!) then maybe you can step outside it a bit and be determined that the ploy won't work? And maybe you can reflect about what that says about a person's character, if they do that?

I am sure that going back to work will feel very strange but I imagine that your colleagues will be sympathetic and supportive and understand how bad this has been for you. Try to cope by taking an interest in THEM, asking them their news etc. If you feel upset, just say that you're not ready to talk about your stuff yet but you really appreciate their kindness...and change the subject to something neutral (TV, music, holidays, weather) or something personal to them.

Hope you enjoy your time with Luke today. Stay calm and strong.

Posted on: July 18, 2009 - 9:22am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello Paulasgems

Ouch you really have been having a rotten time of it but you are NOT back to square one. Believe me, every time you feel like you are, moving forward from that is QUICKER than the last time you moved forward from that feeling...in other words the "square one" feelings get shorther in duration over time.

Well done for sticking to your guns about the visit. It seems inappropriate at this stage for the children to meet this other woman and can only make things more difficult for them.
Much better for him to come down here and visit them. As you say, he has seen the sense of that so that is a relief.

Try not to torture yourself with wondering if he loves her etc. And as for that "sounding happy" business, do remember the early days of any relationship (ie before you realise they pick their feet or snore or leave the top off the washing up liqiud ;) ) can seem idyllic but reality soon strikes....so just sit back and wait for that to happen and know that you are wise and strong and a reliable mum to your children.

I love Wife Swap! They always pick people who are extremes don't they?

Hope your weekend is easier.

Posted on: July 18, 2009 - 9:31am

Pansy

Thank you Louise! :)
Yes I did wonder if the spells between may get shorter to get over, but it is not feeling like it at the moment, but I'm sure they will. Like I keep on saying he is not an unreasonable man, but is a coward & also what hurts so much is his inability to empathise with how this has made us all feel. There is no reference being made to my feelings at all, if you know what I mean, i.e he said in text the other day after daughter sent text ' it is ok, I want them to be able to be angry with me' he realised therefore that they needed to be. But when it comes to me & I surpose them too re: the going to Scotland issue, he seems unable to understand how we feel. I surpose he is simply ignoring it the best he can because it is painful for him maybe? I woke up this morning & the pain hit me, I hate that! I need to get busy.
Oh well I plod on again. At least I now have a very tidy & clean house after my days of hard work! & his stuff is now packed up out of sight.

Posted on: July 18, 2009 - 9:56am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hey paulasgems big love for you :)

I liked what Louise said and it is true you know, every time we get knocked down, we do get back up quicker.

Have you written how you feel down? I know it is an old cliche, but that really does help. If you were to write him a letter, telling him how much he hurt you, how you feel now, how he has left you to pick up all the pieces (THIS IS NOT FOR SENDING) you might find some clarity in your thoughts and feelings. I imagine all sorts of stuff is flying around your mind and this is a way to straighten it a bit. You might be surprised at what you end up writing, I know I was!

If he children aren't keen to go to Scotland perhaps he can stay down near you and they see him there?

We have a new article on the site which is about when the ex wants to take the children away with the new girlfriend, it has some really good support and tips. Go to the Info Library and look under Parenting Alone or you can read it here: http://www.onespace.org.uk/articles/parenting-alone/When-your-ex-wants-to-take-your-children-on

You are still in pretty early throes of splitting up and dealing with the emotion of it, so please remember that when you read the article. Let us know what you think. Do you have plans for the weekend?

Posted on: July 18, 2009 - 11:54am

Pansy

thank you Anna & Louise,
yes seeing friends tomorrow. Hope you all have a nice weekend too & that Sy is doing ok, thinking of him.
catch up with everyone Monday probably.
Paula

Posted on: July 18, 2009 - 6:19pm

sadsy

Hi,
watching Eragon with Luke.

be on later, discovered something disconcerting today.

love sy

Posted on: July 18, 2009 - 9:15pm

sadsy

sorry too tired,
need to sleep.

In theory I see Arwen for hours, not minutes tomorrow. There's some kind of link between me and her, when I take her back, it is like leaving a limb behind. The pain afterwards is excruciating.

Can't talk about disconcerting thing at moment.

nanny coming tomorrow, be nice for her to see arwen, plus help for me.

Hope Luke doesn't tell Louise about this site, it's my lifeline.

Posted on: July 18, 2009 - 10:17pm

sparklinglime

I guess it's best not to let Luke know which site you come on - just incase. I used to worry about that with the first site I joined back in 2004. It's so hard when you are finding your feet, and not sure which way to turn.

I'm glad Luke is with your, and sorry Arwen isn't.

Do be strong for Arwen tomorrow. It's hard for her too. She knows you're her daddy, loves you and will not be forgetting about you. So wrong she's not able to be with you and Luke.

My daughter would not always want to go to her father's. This was when she was 10, and I would take her there and prise her off me and hand her to her father. I felt like sh*t (sorry if that does show as a swear word, but can't think of another apt word), but knew she needed her Dad. I used to be a Daddy's girl, and I didn't want her not to have that choice. I never thought he would be the one to take the choice away from her.

She's laughing now in the living room, so she's not exactly bothered. She's 15 now. :) .

Enjoy your time. Have some lovely chats about carefree things, have a lovely time with nanny (make omelettes for lunch?!) and I hope hte sun shines.

Oh heck. Bottom of the page. It's going to start bouncing in a mo!

Loads and loads of hugs sy, to you all.

Posted on: July 18, 2009 - 10:26pm

sadsy

Hi Sparkling!
quite a late night for Luke and me. He sleeping in cushion bed. Couldn't make it to end of Eragon movie.

My eyes sunken, I so tired. If I mention not to tell about this site, he then has a secret to bare, if I don't mention it maybe he'll forget he saw it? He wanted to look and I said it was people write notes to eachother, like email to help eachother. I don't know what to do for the best.

Driven for 6.5 hrs yesterday. Only about 5hrs driving ahead for me today, back up to Romford for cutie arwen. We are hoping to take them to Iceage 3D at Bluewater and have a picnic. Louise and Paul have suggested Colchester, but it is miles away to the north.

Sorry I've not read people's posts, only have a few minutes.

Luke woken, got to get ready to go to collect nanny in Surrey and then up to Romford.

by sy

Posted on: July 19, 2009 - 8:14am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hope you enjoy your time with the children today, Sy, take care and stay stong and calm.....

Posted on: July 19, 2009 - 8:37am

sadsy

Oh I have missed you all.

Saturday
Traffic light, arrived 1 hour early. Phone flat from outside and Louise answered. I said sorry I arrived early. Luke came down with Paul. I handed over 5 bags of Louise's clothes, and 1 bag of Arwen's clothes (message via nanny) he grimaced. Luke very happy and off we went. Luke happy we not argue at doorstep and I said daddy and paul did well this morning didn't we? He talk and talk. His hair stank again, poor thing, and was way down his face, making his eyes sore. I took him to Tunbridge Wells and I took him for a haircut for the first time. Louise always said how badly behaved he was at haircut, but he was as good as gold with our Polish/Russian hairdresser. Luke look handsome when done and I drove on to Burgess hill for a swim and go on the water tubes.

Luke is trying to teach me crawl where you put your face in the water, Luke is much better swimmer than me.

I got no looks from any admirers, and my adonis bit in the hot showers was to no avail! Surely someone must fancy me sometime?

Drove back to Surrey to see nanny and we had hysterical laughing fit with Luke watching TV with Richard Hammond Argentinian obstacle course thing. Luke loves it and he snuggled up to me and we laughed and laughed. I say I like the semi finalist lady, Luke say something about finding someone to look after and marry daddy - he so lovely. I wish.

Took Luke back home, too late really, and I bathed him and fixed his smelly hair and put eragon dvd on. I faded really badly and only made it through half the movie. Luke took up all of the cushion bed! We tried to hold hands for a bit, but my arms are too long.

Sunday
Early start and race to Surrey to get nanny and then up through Kent and across the river to see little arwen. Arwen come run to meet me and I put her in her new car seat while Louise talk a little with nanny and Louise unexpectedly gave her a hug. nanny said afterwards she was not that comfortable with it, but did not get a choice.

We went back to Bluewater and made for the Cinema and booked tickets for Iceage 3D. Then children and me spent time in the new sandpit there and then I bought giant popcorn bucket and huge drink to share. Unfortunately, Arwen freaked out within 5 mins of movie (was a bit scary) and Nanny took her out to the sandpit while I sat with Luke through rest of the movie. Felt bit awkward, lumbering nanny, I didn't know whether to stay or go.

Bought Arwen a beautiful Monsoon dress and Luke got a game for his DS (sadly when he got home, no game inside! he's so unlucky). I gave Arwen a bag of jelly belly beans for her good school report, which she mostly gave away, as she was not sure which was the "poisonous one" (anniseed, red almost identical to the delicious cherry ones). Luke say keep his for him, as Becky take them. Played with the remote control boats, another play park. Then was going to be pizza express with 2 for 1 offer, but queue was 45 mins, so off to macdonalds. Arwen took delight in looking after daddy, feeding him ketchup dipped chips.

I carry Arwen back to car, she tired, not too tired to snuggle into my ear and make snuffling noises. hehe.

Children didn't want to go back, Luke look glum, he not get on with Becky now. Louise being bit cruel with him, sending him to sit on spiky doormat as punishment so he say. Louise come to door and talk little with mum, I stay in car to keep peace. Children keep running back to car to hug me, maybe 4 times, I'm so touched and blessed by them! I drive nanny away, and the car is very silent. Take nanny back to Surrey, I drive to Kent so I can rest and have meds.

The disconcerting thing
Well. Feel a bit embarrassed. Luke on Saturday morning smuggled out a "letter" which was worrying him. It turned out to be a leaflet, with scribbled numbers on in Louise' writing. The cover starts like this:

Quote:

PUNCHING, BURNING YOU WITH CIGARETTES< KICKING YOU< SPITTING ON YOU< HURTING YOUR CHILDREN< TELLING YOU THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS< CALLING YOU A FAILURE

It's a domestic violence leaflet! I guess it's aimed at me? There is scrawl on it about mortgage legal aid, so Louise is ahead of me, I not been able to face finances yet, she is jointly liable for mortgage, though she has never paid any of it. Not sure how she think she can get out of contract?

I didn't know I was a monster! I guess all monsters don't? Also, Luke mention louise say she was a slave with me?! I can remember slogging my way across London trying to keep us afloat, 30 min walk, 40 mins on the sauna tube, 57 mins on the train, 20 mins drive, not counting 30 min waiting times at Victoria watching one-legged pigeons hobbling. That was just coming home. Double it for a day.

Bit annoying.

Nanny and I talk on phone tonight about how miserable Luke is at the moment at Louise'. He say no one talk with him. We monitor it, and see if I need to push for residence order in future. Nanny tell me Arwen say to her mummy live with Paul for a year then back with daddy! She not even 5 and she been thinking of these things.

I talk to nanny about how long I can last in house. I don't know yet. Avoiding sums.

Sorry it's all me me me tonight. My head aching. Been across Thames 6 times this weekend. Spent over £100.

All Luke's teddies on floor.

Put court orders in Monday I guess. Big step. No way back.

ow my head, need to take something.

Hope you are all OK.

love,

sy (monster, slavemaster and tyrant)

Posted on: July 19, 2009 - 10:07pm

Pansy

no you havnt missed me, hang on let me go back & read your post!

Posted on: July 19, 2009 - 10:27pm

Pansy

hang on! I'm a bit confused :? about the leaflet? how on earth can that be aimed at you? why has she got this leaflet? Is it just something she picked up & grabbed somewhereto write something on? is she pretending to her man that you were very bad to her! or is HE being very bad to her? or am I missing something here? :?

Anyway, glad you had nice time with kids :D you will sleep like log tonight!
Paula

Posted on: July 19, 2009 - 10:44pm

sadsy

Hello Paulasgems!
how are you!

Yes, horrible leaflet is to do with me I think. Is the way Louise is, she does "distort" a bit. When I met her she told odd tales about her former partner. I never knew what to think. I think she may be pretending to her guy or I had 2 recent contact visits where I went on my own and was threatened by Paul and had to have a very firm tone to my voice. One visit I said "step back" to Paul and the other visit I said "don't threaten me" to Paul. I found it all very upsetting. I did post on it and you can judge for yourself. I'm certain leaflet was aimed at me : (

Luke thinks the leaflet broke us up.

I really need to take headache tablet, I fell asleep doing up buttons on duvet, I'm wrong way up still in my clothes.

Really nice you were able to see your friends. Hope you had a good time.

Going to take paracetamol and sleeping tablet.

Hope I'm not a monster. Bit hurt by it.
Please tell me if I am, I know you will be honest with me.

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 3:17am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Morning sy

First of all although you are exhausted you spent some lovely time with both kids and that is fantastic. It is also positive that your mum is involved and at least Louise will talk to her, You did really well to keep out of it, that must have been hard :(

I don't think anyone is saying you are a monster but only the two people in a marriage can say what went on so I can't give you a ratio "score" of who, if anyone, was at fault and when. What I do know is that when A leaves B then A will want to justify that action so that they alleviate their guilt and so A may want to see things in a certain light. I can't really make any more commment than that. But obviously it has really shocked Luke and it would have been better for her NOT to have left this lying around.

What does today hold?

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 8:53am

sadsy

Hello Louise,
I have to find my chequebook and go to court to pay to put forms in. Dentist in afternoon.

I'm really troubled about this abuse leaflet.
It's really not me, although I know such people exist.

I always believed that openness is the best policy with you all. I can only think it was the two upsetting contacts that triggered leaflet.

My guilt is taking our long-term relationship for granted and allowing myself to take a back seat with the children.
We have paid a very heavy price for those mistakes. They are my mistakes. I am very sorry.

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 9:10am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Oh so there are quite a few things to do today, hope you're not too tired :)

I can imagine it was a hideous shock seeing that leaflet., for you as well as Luke. Try not to let it get to you, you know you're not a monster and you have dealt with the understandable anger that you felt on those two occasions you mention and, as I said earlier, you just stayed well out of it this weekend. It is horrible to think of someone either alleging something about us, or even just believing it, isnt it? I understand why you are so upset!

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 9:25am

sparklinglime

I'm so glad you have had a brilliant weekend with the children. You and your mum have done a lot with them. I'm so glad you had time on your own with Arwen.

I love those remote control boats. As grown up I would play with these with my Dad on Llandudno Pier, and later with my children.

I hope the dentist goes well. I've cancelled two appointments because of wonky leg, incase my leg locked and I couldn't get out the building - my idea of a nightmare!

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 10:34am

Pansy

dito to what everyone else said Sy. :D ha! I put that to be quick.
I am glad u had nice time with kids & well done for staying out way when you were handing over.

You make me laugh :D :lol: vision of you wrong way up still in clothes when in the middle of doing up poppers. he! he!

hope you have a nice balanced day today with no thoughts swirling round in head (I know what that is like! we all do right!)Are u looking forward to work tomorrow? or not? It will maybe do you good to take mind off things.
(((((Big hug)))))
Paula

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 11:10am

sadsy

Hello Paulasgems!
I have slept much. I don't remember falling asleep.

I must prepare to put forms into court, make sure I've signed them! Duh! Then chequebook for £175 payment. I'm really nervous about it, not sure what happens next. 3 weeks ago it didn't worry me, didn't care whether I lived or died, was so unhappy "Appear at court facing solicitors and judges? No worries." Now my knees are knocking, hehe.

I have rather unkindly nicknamed my dentist the Iraqi torturer, for her reluctance to use anaesthetic with me. She brings tears to my eyes whenever I have anything done. Last time she cut my gums shorter with no pain relief, it really hurt! However, I'm not giving up with her, I like a challenge, also there are not many NHS dentists.

I feel bit embarrassed about going to work tomorrow, in advance of sheepishly turning up and having all eyes on me.
Boss is whizzing me into meeting room 1st thing, as all jobs uncertain when I left, and then big corporate merger took place few weeks ago...

Very small pat on back for me, I'm in size 32 shorts I haven't worn for 7 years. Lost so much weight! Might make one of sparkling's omelettes she taught me tonight.

How did your weekend go Paulasgems? Are you OK at the moment?

big hug for you

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 1:50pm

sparklinglime

I hope works goes well tomorrow. At least once they all see you're back and get the "all eyes on you" bit over with, you can get on with things. I hope its a productive meeting. Good to know the shirts are ironed and ready and waiting!

I lost three stone when I split up - and possibly ate more junk then than I ever have done in my life! I knew it wouldn't last - and it didn't!

Your dentist sounds a nightmare! Mine was NHS but now private, so I had no choice but to start paying monthly. Eldest is 18 later on in the year, so I could well be paying for him too. They're lovely too, and as I have a bit of a dentist phobia, I just couldn't face changing. You have to travel about 50 miles to find a NHS dentists, so my friend was telling me last month.

I'll be thinking of you.

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 3:28pm

sadsy

Hello Sparkling!
how are you!

Court
Court forms are at court now - I can't quite believe it. Met so many lovely people today. Court lady had a look through forms and proclaimed like Yoda, "no abuse, just a bit of straightening out?" and I said, "well, yes!" She say Caffcass next with Louise and me, late August to September. Then a later date for Judge?

Meds
Local pharmacist lady, tell me her ex lives 100 yards down road, and hardly ever sees his son. She is lovely and has a new partner now. Think her son was with her and helped with cash till, school's broken up now. She was serving a big bruiser of a guy, he had to swallow half a cup of bright green liquid, the kind you see on TV (but without the foaming top). Asked her after it looked like Jekyll and Hyde potion, she said "not far off". hehe

Iraqi torturer
Even the Iraqi torturer was kind, in her way, she say anti'Ds bad for teeth, I must drink and drink, dry mouth bad for gums and teeth. She say I MUST see hygenist. Then, when I pay £45 for hygenist, she say you done well, not really need to see me. Sigh. Actually, it was worth seeing her, I learnt loads and she had lovely kind brown eyes. We struggled to say goodbye, it was really awkward. I have people skills of 15 year old...

Weight
Sparkling!
I don't want my weight back on! Oooooh, your memory is veeeery good about the ironed shirts. It was kind of my mum to do them. I'll not allow it to be a regular thing, I'm a big boy now.

Leg
Sparkling, what is happening about your leg? Have you had your x-ray? We've got to get the better of this leg thing. I'm quite determined.

love

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 6:22pm

Pansy

Oh lucky you loosing weight! I have lost half a stone without trying, but that is all! even though I hardly eat anything. I need to loose alot though, I must go on diet. It would really boost my confidence.

I am ok thanks Sy, better than I was when I went down hill again. Pauls top put away. have not had need to text him last few days as money side of things sorted now. Kids have texted a couple of times to him & he has replied straight away to them. I will not be letting them go up to see him in scotland though, at least not for a while or when older, I dont want them to be that far away & I dont want them staying with a woman I dont know. I really dont know how you cope with that Sy!!
He say he is coming to see them in about 4 wks time.

Anyhow I am feeling bit more positive now, had good friends round at weekend for dinner & am looking forward to taking kids out to Harry Potter & pizza hut tomorrow. I suspect I will have many more times I struggle again but as someone said they will become fewer & quicker to come out of.

Goodluck at work tomorrow Sy, you will be fine I'm sure. once tomorrow over you will be relaxed with it again.
take care
Paula :D

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 7:42pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello everybody

I just wanted to say good luck for everyones' various ventures tomorrow:

Sy good luck with work

Sparkling hope the Xray goes Ok

Paulasgems have a great time at the film and pizza hut!

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 8:47pm

sadsy

Helloo Paula,
I want to see Harry Potter movie toooooo! I love those movies! Ah well. I'm such a big kid - lol.

Quote:

I dont want them staying with a woman I dont know.

I didn't cope! I asked the police to check out the flat see if my kids were there (they refused). I photographed him and his car when he first appeared. So I could trace him if my fears came real. I spoke to social services. I google earthed the location. When I saw him, I read into every line in his face, his clothes, his car, what was in the car, how the children were around him, what his daughter was like. My kids were in the back of a strangers car! I was just beside myself.

You are doing really well, putting the top away is cool, if you are ready. You can always get it out if you need it again? Keep in contact with your friends, they give you well deserved strength and support. Sorry I was not able to support you when you were down. You will recover more quickly from any setback, you are really strong and your sense of humour will carry you through and win you many friends.

Well, losing weight can be good, I would worry about pressuring yourself with a diet though. Be kind to yourself. You are lovely as you are.

Nanny had a 30min call from Louise tonight. Grrr. Louise want my help. Sorry, I'm too cross and confused to talk about it. And my posts are getting long.

I hope I don't do anything too embarrassing at work tomorrow!

night night

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 9:05pm

sparklinglime

You won't do anything embarrasing at work tomorrow.

As soon as you're at your desk it will become familiar (sorry, I'm assuming it's a desk job...).

As for what she wants, if it means seeing more of the children...

Take care sy.

ps X-ray in the morning.

Posted on: July 20, 2009 - 10:16pm

sadsy

Hello Sparkly!
If I could be there with you I would. It will go fine, just mention your concerns about locking and position first. X-ray people will help you. I know you are really worried about this x-ray and you have been really brave to get it organised and go (you will go?). Mention about when it happens, they may have heard about it? Adrenalin linked joint locking.

Really proud of you for going through with this.

Yes, my sleeping tablet not work, not sure what's so special about 3-4 in morning that I have to be wide awake for it?

Nanny say Louise want her domestic abuse leaflet back too! She interrogated Luke and he crumbled and confessed all. Poor Luke.
I'm not giving it back to her. She can get another one. The help Louise wants will not mean I see more of the children. She can go to hell, I'll open the fiery gates to her when she arrives. It's where I've been staying and there's no air con.!

Yes it is a desk job, but I think a temp in my seat, so I'll stand around awkwardly for a bit.

Is it Ysbyty Gwynedd (I have no idea how to pronounce that!) hospital, it's not too far?

I'll check you are OK when I get back from work. Is anyone going with you?

love

Posted on: July 21, 2009 - 4:26am

sadsy

Thank you Louise,
I'm off to queue in the M25 now.

See you later :)

Posted on: July 21, 2009 - 7:28am

sparklinglime

If it means no extra time with the children, quite, she can go and whistle!

I hope the day goes well.

No, not Ysbyty Gwynedd, it's Ysbyty Penrhos Stanley!! That's in Holyhead. Off in a mo.

I'll be thinking of you all day! When I went back after maternity leave, I hovered. Then someone from personnel came in and told the temp to move as it was my seat. Temp took my calculator (I was in accounts), personnel officer took it off her and handed it to me! I couldn't be like that.

So remember, it is your job...

I really hope its a good day.

Posted on: July 21, 2009 - 10:51am