hello

I'm sorry I havn't posted, I'm not much good to anyone right now. Really sorry. I have caught up with the thread now though & thought I should show my face, (well you know what I mean) , glad you seeing kids Sy & seem to have kept your wonderful humour after the shock at work.
Sparkling, hope you have a fantastic birthday! :D

wish I could offer more to you both, instead of going on about myself!
It has just been so hectic here, my three challenging children have all been at their most challenging & I am so worn out that I wouldn't even know where to begin! and because of it I have had no choice but to talk to ex (that is the first time I have put ex instead of husband!) & I am finding it hard. I have found that everytime I talk to friends & say out loud the words 'I know that I am actually better off without him' I cry & then start doubting it.
I look at my difficult life with my children, no career, because they have been it! living in social housing or whatever they call it now (not that anyone would know, lovely village house, most neighbours have brought theirs) not that any of this has ever bothered me before. 42 yrs old & overweight!, dont know how to have fun anymore, probably havn't for years! because I have been busy with my FOUR (I am including him!). I have been set free & I dont know what to do ABOUT ME & I suddenly feel very frightened. I am really missing a strong pair of arms around me & to be loved, but to be honest I'm not that sure I have had that for ages anyway.
I cant imagine how I am going to have another relationship with anyone now, not after how I have changed over the years, I feel quite worthless.
I am really sorry, yes I am feeling sorry for myself but this is how I am feeling at this moment in time. I will probably be ok tomorrow. I apologise for being so glum. I will try to get my humour back by tomorrow.
Paula x

wish I could offer more to you both, instead of going on about myself!
It has just been so hectic here, my three challenging children have all been at their most challenging & I am so worn out that I wouldn't even know where to begin! and because of it I have had no choice but to talk to ex (that is the first time I have put ex instead of husband!) & I am finding it hard. I have found that everytime I talk to friends & say out loud the words 'I know that I am actually better off without him' I cry & then start doubting it.
I look at my difficult life with my children, no career, because they have been it! living in social housing or whatever they call it now (not that anyone would know, lovely village house, most neighbours have brought theirs) not that any of this has ever bothered me before. 42 yrs old & overweight!, dont know how to have fun anymore, probably havn't for years! because I have been busy with my FOUR (I am including him!). I have been set free & I dont know what to do ABOUT ME & I suddenly feel very frightened. I am really missing a strong pair of arms around me & to be loved, but to be honest I'm not that sure I have had that for ages anyway.
I cant imagine how I am going to have another relationship with anyone now, not after how I have changed over the years, I feel quite worthless.
I am really sorry, yes I am feeling sorry for myself but this is how I am feeling at this moment in time. I will probably be ok tomorrow. I apologise for being so glum. I will try to get my humour back by tomorrow.
Paula x

Hi Paula

Loads of hugs. To be fair, why shouldn’t you phone your ex if you need help with the children? If he’s half decent he will be happy you phoned for help.

I’m going to go on about me too – sorry… I was 42 when I was on my own – fat, forty, four kids and f…. well, it’s a word I don’t use often, but do in this case!

I used to have my own place. Had to be sold to sell of ex’s debts, and now I have a lovely house – social housing, with a housing association. It’s lovely. Great neighbours (ok, mixed up with some not so nice ones).

I don’t worry about having my own place anymore. I will not move again. Any problems, I don’t have to worry if I can afford the repairs. That’s a relief.

My children are my life – and again – that’s right, isn’t it?. I’ve been on benefits since I’ve been on my own. Ok, I hate this bit really! Yet, in my situation, I just can’t get around it. I’ve been doing OU courses though, as I feel it’s something for me. In Wales, I get a grant too – which helps, and is an incentive to carry on studying. (I moan lots about it though)

I no longer feel worthless, and no longer hate myself. There are days I even like myself. I think it took me about four years to get to that point.

As for a relationship – I crave for a ‘best friend’ really – my best friend died on 30 April 2007. I miss her. She knew me inside out – and I don’t have anyone now who knew me as well as she did. Me and the children it is for now. A relationship, for me, is just far too complicated.

You have every right to feel sorry for yourself. It’s far from easy.

I hope today will be a better day. I hope your children have some sunshine – which cheers them up. There’s sun here (hurrah) and my son with special needs is so much happier already.

Take care.

I'm having a really good day, thank you - although tomorrow is my birthday! Ex-step-mother-in-law has called in with a cake and a card, and flowers chosen by ex-father-in-law! My friend, who does the Cubs with me has come with a card and present, and my son's friend has been in with a card and flowers too!

I'm stunned!

I still might make a cake tomorrow- but a small one!

I'm sipping sparkling water and elderberry cordial - no Roses Lime cordial, again. :roll: This is quite nice though. I should go and look at wine and cider and decide - knowing me, I won't be able to justify the cost and not get either! :lol:

Glad today is a better day.

xxx

Can't help but wonder who Sy has at home...

that is soooo lovely, he must think you are a great Mum to your son! which of course you are :D

Can't help but wonder who Sy has at home...

Have I misse :? d something????? I dont understand

As you saw, did get craving for kissing recently. Yes, maybe it is a stage? I'm not out of it yet.

You have devoted much of your energy for many years to looking after your ex. Now there's a hole there. Natural to want to fill it again I guess. It was part of who you were? That part of you could now go into looking after YOU? Sounds good to me. What things that you liked doing that you gave up for him could you bring back into your life?

love

sy

I dont think it is going to be a stage with me either! I am not the sort to be happy on my own, I need someone to share my life with other than my kids. In one sense I'm not lonley or bored because I have them but I am desperate for love in my life. I probably havn't been loved for a few years & I've felt it!
Even male company would be nice, to have a good male friend. see this is what I mean, I have lots of fantastic women friends but it is not the same. :roll:

so glad you have got Arwen with you Sy, how fantastic!! I dont know why I didn't get what Sparkling said earlier :oops: I couldn't think, nothing new there then!

you will never guess what!! :x my car has started loosing water AGAIN!!!!!!! after I have spent over 2,000 for new head & gasket, also radiator! I so hate it :twisted: & it has to go, we can cope with 5 seats now there are only 4 anyhow, so I will save petrol. I get smaller car ASAP!
Paula x

thank you very much.

Can't bear to part with money for alcohol. I might get the wine out. We'll have a good evening, though I'm sure, once the older two are home from work and camp!

thank you.

Hope you're having a lovely time!!

Thank you so much Louise.

I'll have to change my name to sparklingelderberry - can't seem to get the 'nice' lime anymore :o Elderberry is rather nice though...

Sy,
did you have to travel to London for your work?
I forgot how close Kent is to London, well some places.
I used to spend so much of my childhood in Kent as my Nan used to live there. It was on the Isle of Sheppey.
Such a small Island, do you know it ? well you probably do being as you live in Kent. My Nan lived in Minster
just down the road from the beach, I used to love going exploring up minster hill. My Nan is 92 now! but still has
a younger sister that lives there on the Island, I should take her there one day I havn't been for years!!
There are some nice places in Kent that I remember. I do LOVE it here in Dorset though!
If you are not far from London maybe you will be able to find work again easier? Is it possible you could be
self employed with what you do?
Paula

I was until my daughter told me 2 mins ago that Dad had just told her girlfriend is 25 yrs old!
that explains the very rude text I had from her the other night! she hasn't got a clue about life or family or kids because she has no kids & is only 25! Great, now my kids are going to end up with half brothers or sisters!
I am so upset now :cry: all the pain back, I dont understand why he went!

I am so frustrated I have now lost two posts! :cry: one at 3 in morning in rant room, really long! I just cried when lost it & one here lost again, this time I saved but when I went to drafts it was not there!

Oh Sy, I'm so sorry, I know I have my kids. you are a fantstic Dad & should have yours too! I dont know what our ex's are doing I think they are making up stories in heads to ease their guilt & justify their actions!
You are a lovely man, so thoughtful & caring & funny :D I dont know how you can be treated like this :x

I done a silly thing :oops: It was all going so well until then. Eldest & youngest was talking to ex on phone at last! i was too & he said how nice it was to talk to me. we arranged him coming here this week to see kids & take 13 yr old back with him.
Then 13 yr old came in to say 'she' 25 & Dad asked her what she thinks about it! so 'I' tell him in text what 'I' think about it :oops: (result of not being told anything by him all this time! & then he blurts things out to them!)
Girlfriend text me! back to my text to HIM! I text her back & him! daughter phone him, angry girlfriend text me & upset me. I didn't know she was doing it, she made it worst because she said things, I still dont know what. Girldriend now thinks I am trying to turn them against Dad! telling me I have given them one story that untrue. I have not given them any story cause I dont know anything still!! :x

None of this makes any sense to me things dont add up at all, either she is playing games trying to cause trouble between me & ex & kids OR he has told pack of lies about me to make himself look good.
I have told him I am changing mobile & no longer comm by text with him & that he will need to phone me on landline if he needs to speak. I have made it clear he still welcome here & that he should come to sort things out face to face. Also made clear I do not use children, & do not give them any stories!

I dont know what to do now daughter still wants to go but I am concerned by this womans reaction to things & also his reaction to her interfearance. could he still be drinking, her too. I no longer have any trust & do not think daughter should go but dont know if I can stop her?

Sy I'm ready to listen to you now, I wont go on about me.
Paula x